Spanx, But No Thanks.

Spanx You.

I went to a party this weekend where I saw a whole lot of Spanx. One 20something girl in attendance proclaimed that, “she always wears Spanx on the weekends because she usually ends up flashing her cootchie* and this insures that she won’t show too much.” (Huh!?) ¬†This my friends, is the truth. Around 11:00 it happened and she was indeed, fully insured. This got me thinking about the good, bad and the ugly of this strange undergarment phenomenon.

 

Not a fan of Spanx. This means “shapewear.” (Spanx is to shapwear what Velcro is to “hook and loop tape.” Get it?) Here is my very candid and Jeckyl and Hyde synopsis on these torture devices and the verrrrrry few times they’re ok (VERY FEW.) Take note…

 

Tru Dat.

 

Spanx suck. They literally suck. Have you ever worn them? They roll, they squeeze, they suffocate, they make your crotch sweat and worst of all they LIE. They are big stretchy, uncomfortable liars. Go ahead and spend your money on them but in the end when you peel them off your sweaty ass at the end of the night, you are still the same fleshy blob you were before you started the night out with a big lie. Sloppy thighs? Still there. Bulging ass? Yep. Breadback? Ready to roll. Muffin top? Fresh out of the oven. You may have fooled everyone with your fresh-squeezed physique – but deep down inside you know it was all an illusion.

Wear something that’s true to you. Make sure it fits and flatters your natural shape. If you are that hell-bent on looking slim and svelte, step away from the cookies.

 

That Pippa Bitch

 

Spanx CAN,¬†on occasion make a great outfit even better. Planning on wearing that new dress but it’s too hot for hosiery and some full coverage shapewear would help to perfect your silhouette? Go ahead! If you’re not planning on the full-out “sausage squeeze” and some Spanx might conceal some of the hail-damage on your rear…you have my blessing. This is more of a white lie.

Speaking of white, they could really be a life saver under something a tad, bit sheer. Make sure they’re not too tight and be sure you can’t see ANY of the leg-seams underneath it all. The dimples on your ass are now hidden and now you can GO GIRL. (I’m betting that Pippa is wearing shape wear under here because God wouldn’t do that to the rest of the women in the world, now would She?)

Yes, I realize the founder of Spanx is a gazillionaire. Good for her. But before you contribute to filling the gas tank on her spandex-coated yacht. Consider first shopping for something that makes your true self, curves and bumps and all feel good, because I promise you, Spanx DO NOT. That is unless you’re a cootchie-flasher and in that case they will do something incredible for you that’s not promised on the package . . .Regret-free piece of mind after about 5 margaritas.

*She really said “cootchie.” I find this funny because after seeing the events that lead to its unveiling, she need ‘nt used such a benign word.

To squeeze or not to squeeze? That is MY question. Do you partake in this torture or go naturele? School me . . .

Wow. It's Quiet Here...

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