…Make MY Yuletide Gay. Please.


“I don’t want a lot this Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own. More than you will ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is a gay boyfriend.”


Eat your heart out Mariah.

I am one lucky girl. I have an awesome husband, two beautiful homes, great kids, amazing friends and relatives who like to drink. But there is one thing that you CAN get the girl who has almost everything…and I mean this in the most sincere and respectful way – I need a gay man in my life. I have friends who have GBF’s * and I think they’re super-fun guys. The problem is, they’re not MINE.  And it’s not cool to steal, and I wouldn’t. So in the spirit of the holiday season, please see that this letter makes it safely to the North Pole by Christmas Eve . . .


Dear Santa,

It’s me again.

Let me begin by telling you that I’ve been a very good girl this year. I’ve rarely paid retail, always used my coupons and made my husband very happy by always dressing appropriately at school functions. Although it may seem a bit unorthodox I would very much like a gay man for Christmas this year. I want someone who craves champagne and will dish endlessly over the new US Weekly with me. I want a man to shop with me. To “ooooo and ahhhh” over the new collection at H&M, to tell me honestly if  “this makes my ass look big” and to gush over things that look FABULOUS on me. I want a party companion that will croon along with me to everything from the 70’s and 80’s, get a happy buzz on, dance the night away with me with none of the judgment and all of the fun.

I’ve been looking for him all my life and I’m tired of waiting. Please, please, PLEASE send me the greatest gift and best accessory this girl could ever dream of.

Sincerely Your Favorite Suburban Girl,


NOTE: This post is in no way meant to offend anyone of a homosexual nature. It’s written with love and admiration and a very deep longing to be your friend. Inbox me your digits if you’re looking for a token housewife of your own.

*Gay Boyfriend


One Response to “…Make MY Yuletide Gay. Please.”

  1. Gay December 19, 2013 at 9:05 am #

    Likes Thumb up 0

    Maybe Aunt Lee will let you borrow Richard. They talk for hours on the phone and they look at wildflowers together.

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