A Letter to the Boot Gods, You Sick Bastards.

Frye Veronica Slouch

To Whom It May Concern:

Why the hell do you continue manufacturing boots with a shaft circumference of 15 inches or less? I have been searching for the perfect pair of boots (actually the perfect two pair of boots) for the past 2 years. After much trial and error in the stores AND cyber-space, I have come to learn all the technical terms now. I know what to ask for and what to Google – yet there is still something very wrong with boots today.  Each and every fall, this tiring search is met with great disappointment because apparently I have morbidly obese calves.

Here is some background information to help plea my case; I am a 40 year-old SAHM who is by no means a supermodel, but I do have a personal trainer and a size 6 skinny jean collection. Yet for some reason, each time I try on a boot that claims to have a “roomy” calf, I end up in tears and begin plotting my new meal plan a’la Karen Carpenter.

I do appreciate the amazing on-line shoe companies that now provide a search within their site for “extended calf” boots. What I do not appreciate is that a 15 ½ or 16 inch shaft circumference still does not provide any give for this girl. Don’t you realize that we need to fit a sock and a skinny jean under there too – all WITHOUT our feet turning blue? Additionally, the three pairs that I am typically given to choose from are ugly and look cheap.

All that I want is a simple, tan, leather pair of boots with a 1 inch stacked heel and distressed look. And at the risk of sounding greedy, I wouldn’t mind a black leather pair with a slight platform and a little “rock and roll” swag. Oh, I nearly forgot . . . I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO ZIP THEM OVER MY HAM HOCKS. Is this too much to ask?

So to whomever may be listening in Bootmanufacturing Land (probably located a few miles from hell) it’s not me, it’s YOU. I just read an article that states the average dress size of the American woman is size 14 –  so, if this little lady can’t zip up HER boots, then there are a lot of ladies out there who dare not even try. What is this world coming to?

In closing, I will ad that the Frye Veronica Slouch boot with extended calf is sold out in almost every Nordstrom in my area not to mention it is completely gone from every online shoe-superstore. This speaks volumes and it’s time to start listening. Women with large calves unite! You are not big. Your are not bulky. You are just being bullied by boot manufacturers everywhere. Join me in leading the revolt!

Sincerely,

Kelly B. – Circumference: 15 ¾ inches

 

4 Responses to “A Letter to the Boot Gods, You Sick Bastards.”

  1. JennS September 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm #

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    AMEN! You get ’em girlfriend!!! I haven’t been able to fit in a full length boot since high school…many, many years ago. Don’t even look at boots. Not even winter boots.

    Yup, living in Chicagoland burbs with 20 inch high snow drifts in my ankle high boots…makes sense to me!

  2. Sarah September 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

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    Love it! A very well-written letter…hope it’s well received!

  3. Dawn September 17, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

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    Thank you Kel! I’ve been looking for years to find boots to fit the more “athletic leg” as a sales girl once told me. I think I have hoop earrings bigger then some of these shaft sizes. Thanks for the blog! I feel better!
    Cousin DZ!

  4. Chris September 17, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

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    Yup agree with you totally. My calves starting bleeding once because I zippered my skin.

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